Happy Birthday to me

Well friends May 20th came and in spite of my rumblings I turned 50.

I have been under a bit of pressure from my family to come up with a 'whammy' celebration. This is not what I wanted. I did not want to mark my age surrounded by people who had their own agenda (and trust me my family have hidden agendas). Some people have misinterpreted my reluctance to have a big celebration as a kind of fear of turning 50 or a denial of my age . I may have contributed at times to that notion. However, it has been a process for me to come to peace with the big day. What I was reluctant about was celebrating anything that was not true or genuine or 'timely'.

The past several months have not been easy times for me. I have found myself without work, without husband, without my students, without my productivity opportunities, without the role of 'parenting' as my children make those required transitions into independence, without financial security, without peace of mind. I know it may sound to some that I was filling my mind with all the 'without' moments and was suffocating in negativity. Some of you would be justified into believing that. I have not been in a great mental place. To be fair to myself I will say that I have worked hard at addressing my outlook. Truth is I was just a little cranky that turning 50 was presenting itself at a very in - opportune moment. I wanted to be bragging at 50. I wanted to be celebrating freedom of self doubt. I wanted to reflect with gratitude my journey. The reality was I was choking in depression.

I decided that I was going to own my 50th. I continued to say NO to all ideas of parties or expensive restaurants or big gifts and stood firm in saying that my day needed to reflect the relationships in my life that were positive and supportive and understanding and real.

I allowed myself two gifts. My first gift to myself was a new personal motto, "Fifty and forthright!". My second gift was to discover 50 new experiences in my fiftieth year using my five senses. I will be blogging these as they occur. I am going to continue to allow healing to occur. I am going to embrace new opportunities. I am determined to continue to shift my perception. My mid life will be under review. I am having a renovation bonanza. I will join the clan of 50+ who are celebrating the life at 50 and beyond.

I loved my day. From beginning to end it was 'real'.

So, let me share some beautiful moments of my 'real' 50th birthday.

• Gave myself permission to have a day off from relief teaching (sorry, not available to be abused today).
• I was woken by the sound of a voice chanting 'parcel post'. I blindly staggered to the front door and found a parcel that had been sent by my brother who lives in a different State.

• My eldest suggested I look up and there wrapped around my front verandah was all these red balloons and birthday flags. My neighbour had sneaked over late at night and hung them up (we have not known each other long and it was a complete beautiful surprise).

• Finding a birthday card in the letter box (hand delivered) from my neighbour.
• Lunch at cafe boulevard with a good friend - Cheesecake, cappuccinos, wedges (nothing healthy).
• Window shopping which turned into both of us giving each other permission to purchase ourselves a gift ( I got a water feature).
  
• Text messages from some women who I worked with two years ago (long time, no see).
  
• Text messages from some family members from Interstate.
• Cuddling up on the lounge and watching the DVD - 'As it is in Heaven' - (soul food).
  
• Balloon neighbour dropping in with a bottle of wine.
• Phone call from (ex) Mother in law wishing me a good day.
  
• Driving to the beach where my immediate family( ex husband, Son and two daughters) gathered and watched the dusk sun do it's thing.

• Observing my children put their competitive bickering's aside for awhile (best gift).
  
• Sharing some fish and chips on the beach (all rugged up).
• Receiving 50 compliments from my immediate family. It should be noted that I set this up but it was real genuine. I had to deduct a few compliments from my eldest when she started with 'wonderful', then said 'marvelous', '.....', '......'. It was when she was offering 'Prince of Peace' that I suggested she was cheating by quoting a song (appreciated the intent though). Lots of laughs.
• Joined by my two adopted daughters (friends of my own daughters) who made me laugh with their gymnastic abilities (had to be there - but it was hilarious).
• Having a complete stranger by the name of Stanley (he was also enjoying some chips and was being amused by my kids creative compliments) sing me Happy Birthday.
  
• Receiving a phone call from my mum who decided at fifty I was ready to hear my birth story (she was wrong!).
• Home to put on my flannelete P.J's and to play cards with girls ( I have to maintain my winning streak).

• Pigged out on chocolate, chips and a glass of wine (I don't usually drink alcohol).

• Mother of adopted daughters dropped in with a box of chocolates (11pm).
  
• Checked in on blog world and found this beautiful tribute from a great friend.
  

So, I am fifty and fantastic and friendly and fit
(now that's a little, no, huge, fib) and forthright.
(Forthright definition - Manifesting honesty and directness, especially in speech)

"Let the words from my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable unto Thee,
O Lord."