I have been going through a tough patch - rather an understatement. Some days I have felt almost overwhelmed with sadness, isolation, anxiety and anger.
My friend suggested it was time I went to the doctors and called a spade a spade. "Help is out there,' she encouraged.
Pride, stubbornness, fear of losing control and embarrassments were some of the reasons I was reluctant to seek help from a medical perspective. I had prided myself in the past of being stronger than my darkest moments; I had prided myself on being a survivor; I had prided myself on being a thinker and resolver of my own dark moments. I heard myself say that 'counselors would frustrate me because I already knew what was getting me down, what was darkening my soul, dampening my spirit, overwhelming me. I also know what I was meant to be doing (well in part, at least).'
The doctor acknowledged that I did indeed have enough 'stress' in my life to justify my mental fragility. The support available was 1. Drugs 2. Counseling 3. Self management - relaxation techniques.
I was a little frustrated when he handed me a generic sheet of relaxation techniques. Please.... Been there, done that. I could recite the techniques in my sleep. Something obviously showed on my face.
The doctor took back the sheet and challenged me to explain to him how I relaxed. I searched my rambling brain and came up with the good old faithful - think of a good memory, a good place where you felt relaxed, worthy, happy, peaceful... take yourself there. The doctor asked me what my experience was.
I admitted to the doctor that when I do this exercise I make up a memory. The reason, I satated, was that I couldn't always think of a 'good' place. Truth is when I most need to use this exercise I am feeling so low that I only can remember the hurts and hardships.
The doctor reminded me that I gave birth to three children. 'Well actually,' I said, "I had three complicated emergency births, the last being born three months premature. Not exactly a great place to remember". Well, I was committed to my misery now.
There's a lot more to this story but I will now move to the revelation that has come a week later.
Now here comes the ever so subtle nudge from Spirit.
As I was walking along a creek my mind was racing.
"Count your blessings.."
Interesting and rather random thought.
"Count your blessing. Name them one by one."
There was nothing subtle about His voice. It his me like a tonne of bricks.
How easy it is to let the difficulties, hardships, pains, stresses, challenges etc etc overshadow the rich and rewarding things (blessings) that come into our life. The difficult births where genuinely stressful and at that time overwhelming. And yet I love my children and am thankful for them. Unfortunately, I had allowed the 'stress' to make a more significant imprint on my memory than the miracle and blessing of birth. I had acknowledged the blessing but I had recalled at a greater rate the 'stress'.
I am now making a commitment to be a little more disciplined.Shift my focus. I do not want to disregard the impact stress and hardship and disappointments and pain have on my life. They do leave an imprint. What I want to do is start putting back into my life a perspective and balanced view of what is given to me. There are opportunities to bless and be blessed in every day. I want the blessings to start having a greater impact on my mental state. I need to count my blessing. I need to count them one by one.
I stumbled on some Christian bloggers who have in fact started a list of blessings or gifts that they acknowledge. The site(Holy experience) gave permission to use the logo. I will post it on my blog as a reminder to my commitment to change my focus one blessing/gift at a time. From today on I am going to focus on the new gifts and start reshaping my mental state one blessing at a time.
blessing 1. Today I went blog surfing and have been totally inspired by many thoughtful blogs and insights (especially from Holy experience and ornaments of grace). I felt connected.
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