Happy Birthday to me

Well friends May 20th came and in spite of my rumblings I turned 50.

I have been under a bit of pressure from my family to come up with a 'whammy' celebration. This is not what I wanted. I did not want to mark my age surrounded by people who had their own agenda (and trust me my family have hidden agendas). Some people have misinterpreted my reluctance to have a big celebration as a kind of fear of turning 50 or a denial of my age . I may have contributed at times to that notion. However, it has been a process for me to come to peace with the big day. What I was reluctant about was celebrating anything that was not true or genuine or 'timely'.

The past several months have not been easy times for me. I have found myself without work, without husband, without my students, without my productivity opportunities, without the role of 'parenting' as my children make those required transitions into independence, without financial security, without peace of mind. I know it may sound to some that I was filling my mind with all the 'without' moments and was suffocating in negativity. Some of you would be justified into believing that. I have not been in a great mental place. To be fair to myself I will say that I have worked hard at addressing my outlook. Truth is I was just a little cranky that turning 50 was presenting itself at a very in - opportune moment. I wanted to be bragging at 50. I wanted to be celebrating freedom of self doubt. I wanted to reflect with gratitude my journey. The reality was I was choking in depression.

I decided that I was going to own my 50th. I continued to say NO to all ideas of parties or expensive restaurants or big gifts and stood firm in saying that my day needed to reflect the relationships in my life that were positive and supportive and understanding and real.

I allowed myself two gifts. My first gift to myself was a new personal motto, "Fifty and forthright!". My second gift was to discover 50 new experiences in my fiftieth year using my five senses. I will be blogging these as they occur. I am going to continue to allow healing to occur. I am going to embrace new opportunities. I am determined to continue to shift my perception. My mid life will be under review. I am having a renovation bonanza. I will join the clan of 50+ who are celebrating the life at 50 and beyond.

I loved my day. From beginning to end it was 'real'.

So, let me share some beautiful moments of my 'real' 50th birthday.

• Gave myself permission to have a day off from relief teaching (sorry, not available to be abused today).
• I was woken by the sound of a voice chanting 'parcel post'. I blindly staggered to the front door and found a parcel that had been sent by my brother who lives in a different State.

• My eldest suggested I look up and there wrapped around my front verandah was all these red balloons and birthday flags. My neighbour had sneaked over late at night and hung them up (we have not known each other long and it was a complete beautiful surprise).

• Finding a birthday card in the letter box (hand delivered) from my neighbour.
• Lunch at cafe boulevard with a good friend - Cheesecake, cappuccinos, wedges (nothing healthy).
• Window shopping which turned into both of us giving each other permission to purchase ourselves a gift ( I got a water feature).
  
• Text messages from some women who I worked with two years ago (long time, no see).
  
• Text messages from some family members from Interstate.
• Cuddling up on the lounge and watching the DVD - 'As it is in Heaven' - (soul food).
  
• Balloon neighbour dropping in with a bottle of wine.
• Phone call from (ex) Mother in law wishing me a good day.
  
• Driving to the beach where my immediate family( ex husband, Son and two daughters) gathered and watched the dusk sun do it's thing.

• Observing my children put their competitive bickering's aside for awhile (best gift).
  
• Sharing some fish and chips on the beach (all rugged up).
• Receiving 50 compliments from my immediate family. It should be noted that I set this up but it was real genuine. I had to deduct a few compliments from my eldest when she started with 'wonderful', then said 'marvelous', '.....', '......'. It was when she was offering 'Prince of Peace' that I suggested she was cheating by quoting a song (appreciated the intent though). Lots of laughs.
• Joined by my two adopted daughters (friends of my own daughters) who made me laugh with their gymnastic abilities (had to be there - but it was hilarious).
• Having a complete stranger by the name of Stanley (he was also enjoying some chips and was being amused by my kids creative compliments) sing me Happy Birthday.
  
• Receiving a phone call from my mum who decided at fifty I was ready to hear my birth story (she was wrong!).
• Home to put on my flannelete P.J's and to play cards with girls ( I have to maintain my winning streak).

• Pigged out on chocolate, chips and a glass of wine (I don't usually drink alcohol).

• Mother of adopted daughters dropped in with a box of chocolates (11pm).
  
• Checked in on blog world and found this beautiful tribute from a great friend.
  

So, I am fifty and fantastic and friendly and fit
(now that's a little, no, huge, fib) and forthright.
(Forthright definition - Manifesting honesty and directness, especially in speech)

"Let the words from my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable unto Thee,
O Lord."

I'm going to turn 50 in spite of my denial.

Came across these quotes -

"Remember age is just a number, which keeps getting larger". Is that meant to cheer me up? I have just put back on 10 kg due to this whole 50 thing.

"Age is an issue of matter over mind. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!" Well clearly I do mind!

"Well - behaved women barely make history - so why don't you be happy, be a little mad, be free, be outrageous, wild and silly?" Been there, done that! The cost is wrinkles, overweight, bunged up knee, guilt and borderline insanity.

"You used to look in the mirror in the mornings and find fault with yourself. Now you have the wisdom to have joy in the living of life." Who writes these things? What joy? What wisdom? I still have a mirror, I can still see!

"The consolation of growing older is that as you lose your mind, you don' miss it as much." Purely inspirational that one!


So, there are 18 more days before the BIG '50' day arrives.

Do I really care about the age of 50? Not really (ok, so that's not exactly true). Although, I am aware that time flies much quicker as you get older, and, as I feel I am not in the right place yet and I have not really discovered who I really am yet, or, what I really should do with my life, or, what my health is going to permit me to do, or, how I am going to be able to discover what I want to be when I grow up - phew - I realize that as much as a turning 50 is not meant to be such a big deal (these days) , it has become one!

Has anyone got a spare 'Time Machine?

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A slightly different way of looking at it would be perspective. Do you see an old woman or a young woman in this image?

The 'Big' event

In 35 days time I will turn 50. So much emphasis is placed on certain 'milestone' birthdays - 50 years young being one such occasion. The problem for me is in the timing. It's come around at a rather inconvenient time. Thing is -I am not at my best. I do not look, feel or express my best at the moment. I do not want to be under all that pressure to be joyous and grateful and humble and insightful. I don't want to disappoint. I just want to put a rain check on the event. Thing is I don't want to regret this moment either (as in ignoring it completely). If I have to place some extra importance to turning 50 then I would have preferred to be in a more positive place than my current emotional/ mental and physical state. Truth is I'm flat out practicing gratitude and positive thinking while all the time wishing it was 2007 and I had another year to deal with the me of now.

What does turning 50 mean?